Innocent Crimes
by ToReadandWrite
Summary: Just little rants over the cliches that bug me, in all my favorite and not-so-favorite pairings; meant to induce laughter and recognition, not to hurt feelings. Mostly NextGen. My first fanfiction on this site.
1. Chapter 1: TeddyLily

There are certain habits, trends- cliches, if you will- that truly irk me in the Potter fandom. Whether it be among the scribbles on my favorite pairings and characters, or not, they remain. Oh yes, they remain, lurking ever in the shadows, eyes glinting with the thought of feasting on my poor, weary brain.

And so I'll take the opportunity to explain these crimes, committed in ignorance and innocence? Of course I will!

First pairing: Teddy Lupin/Lily Luna Potter.

**Not meant to offend. I have seen the pairing executed well _so_ many times. I actually probably commit these crimes... nothing like a dash of fresh hypocrisy, eh? But it's all just something to be funny. :) Enjoy!**

But then there are those little crimes...

1) Lily Potter is a Mary Sue.

Lily Luna Potter is constantly rebellious, fiery, and independent. Usually in Gryffindor (she's so brave and daring!) or Slytherin (rebellious, or else a disappointment who only Teddy understands), she's exceedingly beautiful and hot. And while she's very fashionable, she never dresses sluttily (like Victoire). Lily's smart, supposedly deep and wise, mature and intelligent, and generally a wonderful person. Her "flaw" is her Weasley temper- which the author often uses to make Lily all the more cool.  
And her real flaw- the author seems unaware- is that she's just as spiteful, manipulative, jealous. Does she ever care about anything but her romantic drama? Do any of these characters? No, of course not.

2) Victoire Weasley lacks any virtue. Or development.

Ah, darling Vicky (who hates being called Vicky). It's really a miracle how the earth can stand to bear such a creature. Incredibly hot (not beautiful, but hot), scantily clad, and a clingy, possessive, jealous, manipulative, good-for-nothing, careless, unloving, selfish, superficial, popular, vain, cruel, cheating, dishonest girlfriend. She hates her family.  
Despite having grown up with Teddy, she has no bond, no feelings for him. She uses him for status only. And in at least one fic, she dumped him because his position as a werewolf was bringing her popularity down. Interesting, seeing as her family would have been doing all they could after the War to increase the status of werewolves- but that's beside the point; creative license remains. She's nagging, annoying, absolutely horrid, AND a slut- but he dates her, and sometimes marries her, anyway. Why? It's never actually explained. Occasionally it's implied that he's just so seduced by her, but sometimes he's openly disgusted by her. It's only mentioned why he doesn't date Lily (age differences), but it never mentions why he doesn't just _dump_ Victoire and take out a nicer girl. Lily and Vicky aren't his only two choices!  
She hates Lily... due to jealousy.

3) Teddy Lupin is a doormat.

He's a most striking coward and absolute doormat, thinking himself in love with Lily and in lust with Victoire... and yeah, he's not gonna do anything about it but whine to himself.  
What will we do with you, Teddy? If you love Lily then stop. Breaking. Her. Heart. It's getting really, really annoying. You see, Teddy, at some point in time you have to work things out and think of everyone else. Think of Victoire (no, not that idiot!) and Lily (awwww) and try to imagine how they're feeling. Lily wanting to hex you into oblivion, and Victoire (unfairly, actually) wanting to hex her into oblivion. It's a pretty little triangle, isn't it Teddy?  
So how do you want to hex?_ At this point, Teddy prob'ly wants to hex me, but let's just skip over that._

4) What the heck is it with the Scamander twins?

Okay, okay, I get it. They're there, could be the same age, amazingly convenient- but that's just it. They're barely mentioned, and in the story they're barely developed! Only to be some sad "we-weren't-in-love-but-I-don't-wanna-develop-why" or "oh-my-god-this-guy-is-a-villain" story.  
In fact, they're so superficially developed in some stories I have absolutely nothing to say! ;)

5) *Shudders* Overdone Angst? No thanks!

Yes, I understand that the pairing is quite angsty, with all that drama keeping them apart and all.  
But truly? You don't have to italicize and insert 'oh's in every other sentence to get the point across. This is a lament. This is a whine. Again, I get it.  
Other than that little bit, the "overdone" quality of the angst sort of comes with the whole story- or maybe it's just that I see the same story again and again? Whatever it is, it sure does drive me crazy.

My wrist is killing me, so for now that is all. I know, short and weird and whiny and annoying. I apologize- I needed to get a short rant out.

**Please remember: I have read Teddy/Lily fics with a well-developed and realistic central band of characters, beautifully written, where I'm in awe. I cannot write as well as some of you Teddy/Lily writers, and if I've given you a glowing review -I'm sure I have- it means I admire your writing. Again, in all my favorite pairings (All canon pairings, Lily/Severus, Rose/Scorpius, Teddy/Lily, Teddy/Victoire...) I have little things that irk me. **

Next pairing? Teddy/Vic. Oh yes, you Teddy/Lily fans may cackle with glee... :)**  
**


	2. Chapter 2: TeddyVictoire

**Disclaimer: I don't own the characters (sadly), I don't own the cliches (thank God), but I do own the power bless you all with good luck on Saint Patrick's Day.  
... Okay, fine, I don't.**

**Enjoy and review!**

You know, one of the pairings I really like is Teddy/Victoire.

I mean, there's just so much potential- breaking cliches, exploring the post-War world, imagining Teddy's life as the orphan of war heroes, describing the characters' looks on every other page, making them incredibly unrealistic and two-dimensional... wait, _what_?

With a few of these Teddy/Victoire fics it's like taking an orange (the Metaphorical Orange of Potential), peeling it, and throwing the actual fruit away. Leaving your readers with the peel. Which looks bright and smells nice, but once you've got an actual taste of it, you feel sick. So shall we switch metaphors and take a tour of the unseemly cliches?

1) Victoire Weasley is a Mary Sue. (No, not them again!)

Victoire is beautiful, sweet, smart, beautiful, independent, strong, beautiful, understanding, friendly... and did I mention beautiful? If you took away that oh-so-talked-about beauty, she wouldn't be annoying. Unfortunately, though, she'd be one heckofaboring girl. Because a reader grows tired of hearing her moon over (pun not intended!) Teddy Lupin, get jealous over Teddy's girl (who is invariably the world's biggest snot), giggle with her friends over nothing, make fun of the stereotypical mean girl, date abusive blokes (can she never have a **normal** pre-Teddy boyfriend?), be rescued by Teddy, moon over Teddy some more- and by the time she finally does get with Teddy, we're cheering more out of relief than anything else.  
But it doesn't really matter, does it? After all, she's beautiful.

2) Teddy Lupin may be lovable, but does the dude have a freaking life?

I dunno about you, but I feel like the guy never has time for anything _other_ than being a male model for Vicky to gaze at adoringly. Really, Teddy, I think you have a calling, and no, it's not international Quidditch player. And it's not just that he **never studies or hangs out or has any fun**, it's also that he seems to have the depth of the world's lamest kiddie pool.

3) May I again mention the "wrong" romantic interests?

... Well, you'll know that by "wrong" romantic interests, I mean that real idiot guy who just either wants to beat the heck out of or take advantage of Vic, or the real idiot girl who's _very_ reminiscent of Teddy/Lily's "Victoire" and happens to be dating Teddy Lupin _before_ he dates Victoire. I know, it confuses me too.  
You should know that in real life, people don't have to be evil or complete jerks for a relationship to not be "the right one". There are a lot of different people at Hogwarts, and if Teddy and Victoire choose the worst (and according to the sotry, they both have many admirers), they've got to have surprisingly small brains for people described as so naturally smart.

4) The Ball. 'Nuff said.

Christmas ball- ooooh, lots of mistletoe for Teddy and Victoire to kiiiisss! New Year's- ooooh, a New Year's kiiiisss! Halloween or Masquerade: ooooh, costumes where they don't know each other and so they kiiiisss! Or- Teddy saves Victoire from a masked guy and so they kiiiisss!

The possibilities are endless!

If you ask me, perhaps the worst crime is the third and in select cases the fourth. In the third- I find it just slightly creepy that Teddy and Victoire, _while in love with each other_, would be making out with (who they think is) **someone else who they don't know** after only one night of talking.Your thoughts?

5) Victoire and Teddy having the Accidental Baby.

There are two variations on this one- the "drunken night" and the "oops baby".

I'll start with the second- the "oops baby". Well, Teddy and Victoire are having such wonderful lives, and they're so in love, and it's just one night... and here comes baby.  
Now, we don't throw it out just yet. This could have some serious results, with a wonderful story about maturing, and learning, and never giving up... and through it all, remembering that yesterday's mistakes can be tomorrow's gift... but wait. What am I talking about?  
I need to see the light, the **real **potential! All that overdone family melodrama, and Teddy-Victoire fights, and jealousy and tantrums and (at this point, the fact that a BABY, a living organism with a future on this earth, is actually coming into their lives is forgotten- after all, isn't the drama all we need?).  
Here's another- the "drunken night". Since usually in these stories Victoire and Teddy aren't together yet, and Teddy is still as Hogwarts, their ages should be either 17 and 15, or 17 and 16. The author still has a little presence of mind, so s/he chooses the second... and once again, the real live BABY is forgotten, and we have jealousy and fights and school melodrama and family melodrama and press attention and Teddy and Victoire slowly falling in love or realizing their love, and more and more and more drama and finally a big wallop of fluff.  
It's so pathetic it's almost realistic.

**Hope you guys liked this chapter!**

**Please do suggest the next pairing... :)  
**


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